-KiM-’s BloG!

have we reached doomsday?

or are we just drifting away?

called to the land of sorrow,

taking each day as if there were no tomorrow.

wipe the smudges off your clean slate,

and stop believing in fate,

when you’ve reached the end,

you’ll know that he wasn’t godsend.

take the shaky bridges and fly across them,

with your broken wings, just hold on firm.

scream your lungs out like it will wake the dead,

just to let them know you’ve got blood to shed.

you hold your heart in your hands,

even amongst the voice of screaming fans,

strum that last chord and fall into the crowd,

and be not afraid but stay proud.

look upon the screen that spoilt your future,

stare at it like you do your teacher,

wriggle in your seat like at on your first day of school,

just like you know, it’s a world you could never rule.

step onto the field with the bat in your grip,

stand firmly so you won’t slip,

look around as the audience stare you down,

just waiting for you to face the ground.

take into your hands the ring,

slip it in her hands while you sing,

even on your wedding day, it doesn’t feel right,

not as long as you don’t have her tight.

feel her slip through your fingers,

stand by as your lonesome soul lingers,

the green lifeline’s been cut short,

just waiting for your lifeless body to rot.

you can’t close your eyes at night,

not when only she comes into your sight,

she was the one who made it all feel right,

even when it was so dark you couldn’t see the light.

what went wrong with your mind,

where was the answer you tried to find?

why couldn’t the Lord heal me, the blind?

now all we have is memories left behind.

i wish i could take you back into my arms,

keep you from fears and harms,

just to tell you you’re not all about the charms,

it’s just your soul that alarms.

i would design a world to satisfy you,

i would wait a light year to await you,

i would scream a million decibels just to reach you,

i would give up my life for you.

i couldn’t stand by to see you get hurt by me,

i had to close my heart and be who i would never be,

i had to build this wall, just so you couldn’t see,

the real, ugly me.

i hate it that i can’t have you,

i hate it that i love everything you do,

i hate it that you could be everything i want,

i hate it that this is as stupid as a wild goose hunt,

i hate it that you could never be mine,

i hate it so much, words cannot define,

i know it’s not your fault,

i know that i would never be the one you sought,

i know you know you can’t love or have me,

i know it’s not just what i see,

i promise i would never hurt you,

i promise this much is true,

i promise i would hold onto you forever,

i promise this isn’t a wild endeavour.

i believe that you take this as fun,

i believe that from you i’d never run,

i believe i could’ve made you content,

but i believe i living on time only lent,

you make me sit on my hands,

as we’re high on life watching rock bands,

i’ve stuffed my hand in my pocket,

just to avoid the adrenaline rocket.

it’s heart-wrenching, it’s breath-taking

but you’ve made it clear it isn’t future in the making,

a second in contact with you soulful eyes,

i can’t resist it as hard as my heart tries,

it’s burning, the place you left it,

i promise, i’ll b e there in a heartbeat,

i know i could never replace her,

my only wish is to love you, my dear,

i don’t know right from wrong,

all i hear is your voice in this sweet song,

you leave me speechless on my proud pedestal,

intertwined in a love-hate spiral.

there is nothng i could ever expect

as your previous love stands erect,

honestly, i hate myself for loving you,

in every way or thing that you do.

you dictate the curl of my hidden smile,

but don’t take this as some sort of trial,

my only wish is to play a smile on your cheeky face,

even though i know i could never win that race.

i choose to love, knowin g it will be unreturned and unrequited,

because you’re the one who messed me up to be acquited,

i long to hear you say ‘ i make you happy’

but all we claim is it’s sappy.

i could never measure up to your past,

even till i’ve breathed my last,

you make me smile with your gleeful laugh,

or even your playful actions ever so rough.

i will always be denied the chance to prove,

that’s it’s you who makes my stone heart move.

i say "don’t make me want you when i can never have you"

i know "i could never make you feel special or even the happiest or luckiest person on earth"

i believe " time won’t heal but the results of your non-chalant acts might"

i want you to know " i l–e you and hope for n—–g in return,"

loving it taught me to lie,

to lie to myself till the day i die,

it’s what keeps me alive,

just before i take that suicidal dive.

where was the heartache?

in the middle of this metaphorical earthquake?

i couldn’t take that slice,

because i couldn’t afford the roll of dice.

take a swig of beer,

and forget the world and everything dear.

i am near the sharpest edge,

just wait for my neverending rage.

the truth kills for the lies live,

just like that killed hidden thief,

where are we on this broken road,

or on the symphony of every note.

the mistakes are misfortune,

but the darkness starts at noon,

i am the liar of the living,

just to keep my heart beating.

broke the heart that took mine away,

wonder how powerful words can say,

seduction and sweetness are one,

just like the moon and the sun.

hold onto faith but tighten your hope,

just hanging your neck with that rope,

firmly hear me for what i have to preach,

that this isn’t something schools teach,

wash your hands and clean your face,

as this is a survivor’s race.

call me the hypocrite or the clown,

but in the end, there’s no one to let down.

put on a face like i always do,

and start listing who is who.

i’m through with the truth,

just like another round at the shooting booth.

where does your allegiance lie,

with the one who sigh?

or the ones who deserve to die?

i am screaming my lungs out,

’cause i only loved them without a doubt.

here i am now after 30 years,

with more bravery and lesser fears.

i have lost all i own,

i have lost it to the great unknown,

please, let me know when’s the time,

where my life’s clock will end with a chime.

don’t say no more,

for the universe is not for one to explore.

i don’t need to cry,

to show you i wanna die.

smoke and ashes have all cleared,

this is the time we most feared.

when’s the time when we call our lost ones,

and hope God will make us nuns.

this is my prayer, that i will be strong,

to differ right and wrong,

more than i can remember that love-hate song.

just trust me with this chorus,

and i lie that you always come first.

my rise and my fall,

are all written within this stone wall,

as cliche and typical i might sound,

this is a principle i like to bound.

you can never take time off reality,

it’s not because you can’t believe in fantasy

but more because you’re still living like a dreamer,

not anything like the average believer.

reach for the stars and you’ll get hit by a meteor,

don’t believe the truth they once stood for.

you know better than to cross that gate,

you know that you’ll never comprehend with fate.

emotions and fury,

they remain with you a century,

and then you’re lost in the eternal well of sorrow,

for yesterday is not yours to borrow.

i am the commander of the army,

i decide whether i’m imprisoned or free.

all because i can depend on me.

dang! it’s been long since i wrote something decent. the two weeks of holidays could be pure bliss, perhaps suicidal or maybe just plain boredom. for many, suicide, boredom and pain have come in conjunction with these past two weeks. you know, christmas has the highest rate of suicide cases. can’t blame them, christmas has always been a family event and when some of us don’t share that luxury of company… it’s the booze, binge eating or perhaps some soaps to help. no matter how we look at it, bright or dark, left or right, 90 or 40 degrees, there will always be a downside to everything. think about it this way, how are we to recognise joy if we don’t experience pain. some of us find fun in friends, in books, in adult websites,*cough cough*, family outings or maybe just the perfect 16" by 11" in the living room eh? this year being PMR year… yes yes pressure, midnight oil, permanent eyebags, loss of beauty sleep. you know we keep ourselves so focused on the main event or more like the high lite of the year when it really isnt what makes us happy, not at all. yes, a surge of relief is in order with the burning of books and cheering of hurrahs. what if in the process of gaining all that you loss too much to begin with. you turn your mind to everything that requires theoratical thinking or pro and con weighing scales to even conduct anything purely from the heart. indeed, we are deterred from doing all that and being with the people we love or doing the things that make us happy. this is so not a matter to point  a finger to our parents for, we conduct of our lifestyles.. like the great someone someone said ‘life is what you make it’. many are controlled and overpowered by their parents, unprioritised principles and many more. but if we were to only take that extra mile, that extra step towards really getting what we want with the right intentions in the right way, generally we’re much happier people.

so lately there’s been way too much self-actualization triggering issues for us to deal with, talk about a shake to the sense. as hypocritical, as sceptical, cynical, ass-a-holic, crazy, generous life has been with us, you’d think we’re survivors. managing to get thru 15 freaking years of life without actually pulling the trigger, surely some attempts were made but what kept the finger from pulling it, from ending it all? i’d like to think there’s this voice in your head who tells you want you want to hear but at the same time tells you what you true intentions are. well we never really know what they are until the last minute that we’re in that deep moment and decide we can’t do it but we can’t carry on. we ponder about the subject, some weighing to be done, but really it all comes down to how we solve it. everythng has a fucking solution. ‘just do it, it’s the right thing,’ ‘you don’t do it now, you’ll never get a chance’.. we and they make it sound so easy  sometimes. that whole first step where you have everything to lose and only freedom to gain. honestly, what keeps you alive?

the titan’s swishing ships,

blow me kisses from pouted lips

you are the stronghold of my weak knees,

you put my worried mind at ease.

your smile seeps right thru,

what’s me without you,

crickets sound the night,

dear, it’s only you in plain sight.

love me tender, love me kind,

your voice resounds in my mind,

bring in that sensation,

from my Personally Owned Inspiration.

it’s about eleven. considered an early hour for a few of us and not such an early for some. getting back to school today wasn’t pleasant at the very least. once again, our boring teachers and annoying prefects have managed to complete mission:piss the students off. at some point aren’t they bored just teaching the walls and reminding us our GA isn’t tip top perfect? what’s the point of them telling us over and over again what’s wrong with us, when we don’t even listen. everyone knows tuition has been helping almost every kid along, it’s either that or you’re blessed. and GA wise, the students remove their clips and ribbons the minute they step into the sanctuary of their classes.some of us aren’t meant to be rebels. say for instance in my case, i take my ribbon off because i know for sure it’ll drop off somehow. i roll up my sleeves because this is FREAKING Malaysia, it’s HOT and it is sure as hell HUMID. the messy hair thing is just a given, you run around, hair blows, you look down and look back up to copy stuff. the button up thing, it just accidentally pops off, i doubt any of us have the intention to show off the patterns of our bras. i know it looks pretty cool when all the students have their ribbons on and plaid hair and nicely cut neat sideburns. and the whole discipline is a must, but what’s the point if we use our intellectual to rebel with the rules later? i don’t discriminate prefects who know their order of ethics. but those who use signs and rude outward vocabulary to remind us about our missing ribbons and popped off buttons, there’s a limit to where our patient stands. you may wear your prefectorial blazers and have that nice shiny PENGAWAS badge, but we’re of the same rank when it comes to conversation. you’re human, i’m human. i got a mouth, so do you. we’re not confessing we have an ‘i-hate-prefects" club because we don’t. just sometimes a little courtesy would be real nice. might even be a little motivation to stop the ribbon hiding business.

so there’s that. no offence whatsoever. peace people, not war.

someone once told me everyone has a conscience,

but it’s different if they knew the consequence,

they proved me wrong,

for everything believed all along,

words kill, yeah they’re weapon of choice,

what better way that to write out the noise,

do what you want, say what you wanna say,

though, make sure i have a glass of Chardonnay.

mental images are deleted,

your defenders in our mind are now beatened,

after all the words, after all the front-stabbing,

we’re done, we’ve had enough of weakness and aching.

for that moment, we were the weak,

the quiet, needy and oh-so-meek,

but your true colours painted on my walls,

we’ve taken down tramples and falls.

lyrics help more than just serving nicks,

kahlua barely seems to give you the kicks,

but for whatever, at least we know what surpasses this,

and with us, you can trample and tease

but people, you’ll never be at ease.

who am i kidding myself?

maybe they really are just boring books on the shelf?

a reconciliation? that’s daft talk,

lovers of punk, metal and rock?

well self-denial is always needs company,

but who knew, that many!

is it that stuck-up nose or that curved clueless mouth?

whatever it is, they’re heading south.

who am i to judge?

anyone that low needs more than a nudge,

truth to be told, why appreciate the unappreciateful?

why grace the ungrateful?

walk that road, take that path,

we’re just worried about the aftermath,

with replies and responds as such,

fuck you, i can tell you that much.

rages and regrets aren’t for now,

we’re done with asking how?

lives we lead and routes we take,

you’re the mistakes we make.

you meant a river so wide,

and all that comments and hostility, we denied,

to believe you and your old persona,

was like marrying a prima donna.

our perseverance ends here,

now just go back to your fears and cheer,

are you to judge? are we to decide?

denial was just a place to hide.

i tell you solemnly,

that these words aren’t for you honorary,

then again you wouldn’t get a thing, now would you?

yes dear, fuck you too.

their soulful lyrics remind me of you,

of all the silly and stunts you used to pull,

it’s not a crime to remember,

your charm can still turn her amber.

the barbeque’d meats and calorie filled delights,

how can you forget those sleepless nights?

the sweet candy and late night supper,

i’ll never forget that monstrous laughter.

the tease and name-calling,

the moves and fake-falling,

alien themes and green addiction,

it was fact, not fiction.

her cheerleader outfit and his adio shoes,

and when they broke up we thought there was nothing to lose,

hidden piercings and hand-drawn tatts,

who knew monroe won the bets?

marshmallows and hershey ghunk,

we thought we’d backpack in my dad’s trunk?

black and white Chanel shades,

why did those good feelings fade?

making out on my orange couch,

it ended in snap, ouch!

guitars and basses,

jocks, geeks and acers.

smear his cheap eyeliner,

our bond seemed stronger than any binder,

the number’s a decimal and it TAKE’s strategy

love played like a unexplainable energy.

7.45 pool games and skateboards,

swimsuits and them naked bods,

belts clinking and mating gold fishes,

we thought we’ve fulfilled our wishes.

now that the bonds are broken,

the truth isn’t yet out in the open,

is it truth, ignorance or denial?

when will it be finally the final?